My Journey Through ‘Attached’: An Intimate Dive into the World of Adult Attachment – #NishkandarReads

“Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

Buy the book on Tokopedia.

Check what I am currently reading and my books list through my Goodreads.


I’ve always been an avid reader, but it’s not every day that a book resonates so deeply; it feels like a personal revelation. That is precisely the experience I had when I delved into “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. It explores the fascinating world of attachment theory that hooked me from the first page.

This book’s power lies in its accessibility; it takes complex psychological theory and wraps it into something so digestible and relatable that you can’t help but see yourself and your relationships mirrored in its pages. One of the quotes that struck me early on reads, “The attachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs.” I pondered this line for quite some time. It was as if someone had shone a spotlight on something I’d felt but never entirely managed to articulate. We often berate ourselves and others for being ‘needy’ in relationships, but Levine and Heller brilliantly articulate how these ‘needs’ are a basic part of human nature.

As I continued to navigate through the chapters, there were times when the prose touched a nerve. Reading about the ‘anxious’ attachment style was a rollercoaster ride of emotions: I saw my past self in those lines, which felt confronting and even painful. However, Levine and Heller’s compassionate tone and non-judgmental approach to presenting each attachment style were deeply reassuring.

The chapter that truly stirred me was “Single and Looking.” It was like stepping into a room full of reflections on my past and present dating life. Their assertion, “When it comes to choosing a romantic partner, the things we tend to value—education, income, physical attractiveness—aren’t as important as we think,” felt like a punch in the gut. My initial reaction was a mix of denial and self-doubt. However, the longer I sat with this revelation, the more I found myself nodding in agreement. How many times had I prioritised the superficial, only to find myself in a hollow or unfulfilling relationship?

Interestingly, the book doesn’t just dissect the problem; it offers practical solutions too. One of my most potent ones was: “When you’re looking for a partner, it’s most important to look at their actions, not words.” It’s a simple sentence that packs a powerful punch. It reminded me to focus less on what people say and more on what they do – an indispensable piece of advice that’s changed my perspective on relationships.

The section that expounded on the ‘secure’ attachment style was equally thought-provoking. It provided a blueprint for healthy, reciprocal love – the kind we all aspire to have. Reading it felt like a beacon of hope; it reassured me that a healthy, fulfilling connection was within my reach despite past trials.

What I appreciate most about Levine and Heller’s book is the absence of a moralistic undertone. There’s no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ attachment style. Each one has its strengths and vulnerabilities. They argue that Understanding our attachment style is about gaining the tools to navigate our relationships more effectively, not assigning blame or judgement.

I can’t deny my sense of vulnerability as I journeyed through “Attached.” It was as if someone had delicately peeled back the layers of my heart, revealing its contours and crevices. It was a profound, sometimes uncomfortable, but enlightening journey of self-discovery.

The biggest takeaway from the book was this: Attachment is not a flaw; it’s part of our very core as social beings. It shapes our relationships and fundamentally influences how we interact with the world around us.

When I finally closed the book, I felt a sense of relief, like a weight lifted off my chest. I felt armed with a fresh understanding of myself and my approach to love. I was ready to chart a new path in my relationship journey, guided by the insights and wisdom Levine and Heller had generously shared.

“Attached” is not just a book; it’s a conversation about love, intimacy, and the deep-seated fears and desires that drive us. I highly recommend it to anyone yearning for a deeper understanding of themselves and their connections. It’s a challenging read at times, yes, but it’s also deeply rewarding. It’s a testament to the transformative power of self-awareness and the extraordinary potential of love when understood from the lens of attachment.

After all, as Levine and Heller state, “In an age of independence, it’s easy to forget that we’re social mammals with a fundamental need for connection.” How beautifully simple and profound.


“We have a tendency to think, ‘If I’m not happy, it’s my partner’s fault’ as we systematically overestimate the role our partners play in how we feel. The fact is, we carry our moods and vulnerabilities with us.”

“Most people are only as needy as their unmet needs.”

“When it comes to choosing a romantic partner, the things we tend to value—education, income, physical attractiveness—aren’t as important as we think.”

“In an age of independence, it’s easy to forget that we’re social mammals with a fundamental need for connection.”

“When you’re looking for a partner, it’s most important to look at their actions, not words.”

“Anxiously attached individuals can’t help but amplify the positive attributes of their partners when they’re not around. They’ll spend hours at a time thinking about all the wonderful times they spent with their partner, desperately trying to keep the person they crave so much alive in their mind.”

“Just as we’re biologically programmed to need an attachment figure (usually our biological mother), this connection doesn’t shut down in adulthood. It simply transfers to our romantic partner.”

“Being effectively dependent makes us more independent, not less.”

“The bottom line is that becoming a more securely attached individual will make you more independent, not less. That’s the paradox of attachment.”

“Understanding your attachment style and that of your partner is one of the most important things you can do to help move your relationship forward.”

Each of these quotes, in their unique way, captures the essence of the book’s underlying themes. They highlight the importance of understanding your attachment style and its role in your relationships.


    Nn & Az Wedding Day

    After 10 days of being a wife, I finally received and watched the cinematic video of the wedding day, and I was stunned. I cried and was grateful knowing I am married to my best friend.

    Like what Dr Amir Levine quoted in his book, “Happiness only real when shared,” here are the videos:

    I am still crying a river typing this. As my 2023 resolution is to blog and write more (in general), I will keep you updated on my marriage life.


    A Dilemmatic Review of Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë – #NishkandarReads

    Check what I am currently reading, and my books list through Nanna Iskandar’s Goodreads [click here].

    I have always been a big fan of classic literature. After several times trying to pick which books would best suit me to read in 2023, I chose Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë to start the year. Here is my honest review:

    I read this book once in Junior High School, and as an adolescent girl then, I could not comprehend the idea that this book does not convey a love story. I rephrase — it might, but it has the depth that unravels not only a love story but feminism and Eyre’s strength as a woman. I had to give a three-star rating rather than a five after a more thorough consideration: of writing styles and Eyre’s abusive relationship with Mr Rochester.

    This book has endless pages, and it felt daunting to flip page by page because of the descriptive style Brontë had writing this book. Although it did feel pleasant to imagine and had all the visuals running through my mind (because the detailed description helped a lot), it began super slow yet did not make me curious about what was going to come next. Even more disappointing for me knowing that most characters in Eyre’s childhood life did not appear and had no significant impact by the end of the story. In my humble and honest opinion, they were genuinely redundant. It lacks cohesiveness.

    There are several problems I found icky in the book, too (nonetheless, I am trying not to spoil any story), such as Jane’s mad and toxic relationship with Mr Rochester, racism that lies within the whole book, and Eyre’s obnoxious character (as how she talked about the physical appearance of the two characters).

    However, despite the tedious story and style, the three stars came from the feminist narrative of Eyre, which she went through beyond marriage (whilst, at that time, it was the only prospect girls her age could have) and did have dreams. She also did not let Rochester ‘own’ her (a deeper analysis of this argument can be found online). Incredibly in love with how Brontë criticised Christianity (through Lowood), as how people could easily use money and power and sell religion to people for more gain in those two commodities.

    To conclude, I would recommend adults to read Brontë yet will not let youngsters read it without any discussion beforehand or throughout.

    Buy Jane Eyre – Charlotte Brontë here [Indonesia] [worldwide].

    Graduated from Law School

    July, 2021
    Graduation Day

    Never have I ever imagined that this is the way I will be graduating from law school: Graduated as the Best Graduate/Valedictorian and attended the ceremony that was being held online.

    A time in 2018
    Debate and Research Community [more like a family to me].

    There is an actual term to define this flux of emotions when you just love and despise something at the same time: Emotional Ambivalence – the perfect term to define how I feel towards this past 3.5 years in law school. Not going to sugarcoat anything in this post, it has never been easy to win law school’s heart (if it has any). I may look strong as titanium on the facade, or maybe some of you thought that I was made for this, I am gifted, bulletproof, but for sure I am not. Not a little time I encountered mental breakdowns and had to drown my face into the pillow to scream and cry and had no other choice but to fake a smile the next day, acted like everything is okay. Too many bittersweet memories and ridiculous trinkets that sure I will catch myself smiling reminiscing it later in the future.

    Continue reading “Graduated from Law School”